Still Standing Magazine's August blog hop

I read about this on another Blog I#m following about a Women and her stillborn Baby Boy Finley . 

We meet only once a week or so before she gave birth to Finley , then I heard that Finley passed away , my heart broke for her and her little Boy . 

I had pregnancy losses , not as far along as hers , all of them before 12 weeks . They hurt bad , I was so angry and sad , I hated my Body for letting me down . I hated other women who got to hold their Babies , why did my Baby die ? 

I never wanted to feel this way ever again , crying myself to sleep , faking happiness at my friends pregnancies . Meeting their Baby's and watching them grow . 

It took years for me to get pregnant , there where tests , bodywork's , U/S , checking my whole Body and my tubes . When my period was first late and then very heavy and long , I didn't think any of it but when it was 2 weeks of bleeding and cramps I went to my OB .

I remember telling him about my heavy period and mentioned that I had a cyst before , so he wanted to check that everything was ok . 

I was watching the Monitor when he zoomed in a little round bubble and said U are Pregnant but there is no Heartbeat and with the heavy bleeding , it doesn't look good .

I was stunned , I didn't knew I was pregnant and it was already over ? Telling my Husband was hard , we keeped telling each other that it will be different next time . 

Next time I found out on his Birthday , 2 positive tests , my Beta rising , this was it ! 

Then I started bleeding , rushed to the hospital for an U/S , no HB at 7 weeks but I couldn't give up on my Baby . I beg them to let me wait longer before deciding anything , 2 weeks with blood tests every other day , U/S which showed no HB .

After the 2 weeks my Body started absorbing my Baby  , I still had to have a D&C to remove the rest of the Placenta . 

I went in pregnant and left with feeling empty , crying myself to sleep for a long time . I lost hope .

Then I fell  pregnant again , Twins , one of them died around 6 weeks . The other had a Heartbeat but I didn't want to bond with this little life in me . I was too scared that it would end like the others , I had a lot of U/S in the first 12 weeks . Constant checking for the HB & Growth , orders to stay of my feet as much as possible , no sport , sex or lifting anything .

The Baby made it , my healthy Boy , I did bond with him after a while , opened my heart to my Rainbow Baby , my Miracle .

And then there was another Miracle my little Girl , I got pregnant again . At the first U/S I heard her heart beating away , the best sound in the world to me .

I still think about my Angels , I even talk about them to some People , most don't understand . Why am I sad ? It was so long ago , I have Children now , why dwell on the past ? 

For me it's not the past , it's a part of me and will always be there .

Why did I choose to tell my story ? Because there are so many Women out there who lost their Child and feel alone .
There is this quote : I can't make it better but I can make it less lonely 

Good and Bad Times

Ok let's start with the good
~ holding my Baby Girl when she is asleep , it just feels so right when she is in my arms , she is a part of me
~ Baby Boy sitting next to me while we are eating , it always amazes me how grown up he is ( he is two but anyways u know what I mean ) , looking at his profile fills me with love

the bad
~ I wish my DH would get what makes me so angry with him , just help me out without me having to tell u every single time , it didn't change from yesterday and tomorrow it will still be the done the same way .
It's routine , it's boring but JUST DO IT .
Why is it that Men need instructions for everything , emptying the bins , washing up uuugh
Sundays used to be so nice , now it's a day where I have to do everything I do during the week but with DH under my feet too , unless I say do this , do that he won't.
I should have looked for a Husband who helps but hey I do love mine , good thing too , that way will ensure him staying 6 feet over ground some days .

I am so lazy

I should start doing what i always say I will do , post more !

Stats on Ben & Abbie 

Age : Ben 2 Years 2 Month , Abbie 9 Month 

Weight & Height : Absolutely no Idea , I keep meaning to weigh and measser them but never get around to do it 

New Skills : Ben is talking A LOT ( German & English ) Abbie is zombie crawling 

What else is new ? New House but only till January , we are moving back to Germany YAY . I do like Italy most days but going back to a place where I can speak the language is great ( not to mention my Family ) 
The new House is cosy ... read small ... but we seen that as an opportunity to get rid of stuff , well me at least . DH is dragging his feet and some of the dead Hobbies are still hanging around ( Guitar , Telescope , Language sets , Drawing board , Golf Clubs etc ) and Computer parts . 

My pet peeve , I look through my stuff and bin most of it , DH looks through his and move it to another box . I wish I could go through it , trust me it would all fit in one box . 

So what's new with you ? 
A little while ago on TWW one women posted a pee stick , my friend said she didn't see anything and the following of that women started bitching about my friend . 
On our DD group we talked about it the comments and the condition of that women and one of my so called "Friends " said we were all fucked up and should stop saying nasty thing . 
What nasty things u ask ? No idea but apparently we been spreading rumours and lies about this person and our "good Friend " took it upon herself to tell that person . 

Yours truly and the rest of my group got called every name in the book , we are just jealous and should rethink having children . ... nice . 
I tried to tell the story to the person but she choose to not believe me , after one post saying how she is gonna be more positive , she started again with how horrible we all are .

My response ? I deleted that blog from my reading list , let her believe what she wants . Why on earth do I care so much about this , I didn't say anything mean , they don't know me personally . 
But they kinda attacked my children and that shit doesn't fly ! 
I'm not the bad person here , I don't call them names or wish them harm but they did . Do I believe in  Karma , I do now 

 

Ben 22 Month & Abbie 5 Month

Summer is nearly here , it's getting warmer and the Rain has stopped . Which means new Wardrobe for 2 Kids , SHOPPING YAY .

If anybody would have told me 3 Years ago I would have 2 Kids , I probably would be in tears and screaming at them to stop taunting me .
Infertility is something that I can't forget , the pain and heartbreak sticks to me like glue . There are still moments when I can't believe they are my Children and then I hold them close and kiss them ( Ben is not a big Kisser but Abbie loves giving sloppy Baby kisses )
Don't know why I got so lucky but I did and I'm grateful .... which doesn't mean that sometimes they don't drive me crazy ;)

Ben is talking a lot now and we have to be very careful what we say around him , today he turned around to hid Daddy and said " Ok already " after he got told to stop playing with Daddy's tools . Every Cat is Tessie or Kätzchen , Donkeys , Horses and Giraffes are Aih and car journeys have a running comentary of Car Car Truck Car , sometimes Copter ( helicopter )

Abbie is starting to get solids now , Banana is ok but Rice Cerial is Devils food and has to be spit out at once . Still not rolling over but she can get to where she wants on her back doing a worm motion ( I think it would be a lot easier on her tummy but what does Mama know , right )

I changed my Diet and started doing excersice , this year will be the year I lose the extra weight for the last time . It feels like a now or never , I don't want to leave Italy looking like I came here . I want to look and feel better , not like last summer so fat and swollen and sweating so badly . Even though I didn't put on much weight during the Pregnancy the weight that was already there made it harder on me . And I want to wear cute clothes !

Abbie @ 14 Weeks and Ben @ 20 Month , my life as a Mama of 2 under 2

Well so far so good , Abbie is having one Nightfeed and most nights she is sleeping through and has her feed between 5 - 6 am , after we go to sleep all snuggeled up . Love it !

Ben is talking up a storm , we have to be so careful what we say in front of him , he is repeating EVERYTHING . Still loves his Books and Trains , Cars and tormenting the Cats .
He is such a good Eater and will try anything .

DH and I are getting so snippy , he says it's tieredness , I think if we tried harder we would stop bitting each others heads off . I will do my best not to take everything he says like critisism and just tune out when he starts his whinging . One would think it's my Toddler is the problem but no it's my Husband maybe the second childhood or it's this place .

We need to move again and I'm so feed up with it all , no Idea when or where we are moving , maybe he is getting promoted and that would mean moving to another Country or he could be getting made redundant and then we would be moving into our House .
AND the bummer is there is nothing I can do but wait and see what happens , I HATE WAITING !!!!

Only Days To Go

Yup 4 more days , got told the time I need to be there and what I need to take and what I have to do or don't do before .
Got a Friend looking after Ben for the morning and a Cleaner coming in for the first few weeks to help out .
Now I just need to do some washing , pack my bag , clean the house and well wait till Tuesday .

Ben was sick on Sunday , high Fever and really floopy , no wet Nappys and didn't want to eat or drink . We took him to the Hospital and there his Temperature was 104 , they said they need Urin and Blood . Woo I thought how do they get Urin from a Baby not with a Catherter surly well they do .
My poor baby was held down and they got their Urin to test and when they pulled the tube out ... he peed all over them .
I cried , Ben cried and Steve was looking like he was close to start as well , then they had to put an IV in to get Blood and give him some Fluid at with piont I could hold him . We sat snuggeled up together there for a few hours , then finally the Fevermeds they gave him kicked in and the fever went down enough for us to go home with him .
That was one of the scariest days of my life

Time flys

Ok I really need to update more on here but since we moved and still haven't got home internet there is a fight for the dongle going on in this House .

Ben is doing great , a little eating maschine and I mean that , there is no way to eat in front of him without sharing the food .

He looooves his Thomas the Train playset and knows moct names and brings the right Trains to u ( Bragging I know but hey this is my blog after all ;)
His newest Word is Teddy , he said it today for the first time , my big Boy .

Abbie is growing like crazy and only 2 more weeks before she comes out .... unless these Contrations pick up and then she will be here a lot earlier