Still Standing Magazine's August blog hop

I read about this on another Blog I#m following about a Women and her stillborn Baby Boy Finley . 

We meet only once a week or so before she gave birth to Finley , then I heard that Finley passed away , my heart broke for her and her little Boy . 

I had pregnancy losses , not as far along as hers , all of them before 12 weeks . They hurt bad , I was so angry and sad , I hated my Body for letting me down . I hated other women who got to hold their Babies , why did my Baby die ? 

I never wanted to feel this way ever again , crying myself to sleep , faking happiness at my friends pregnancies . Meeting their Baby's and watching them grow . 

It took years for me to get pregnant , there where tests , bodywork's , U/S , checking my whole Body and my tubes . When my period was first late and then very heavy and long , I didn't think any of it but when it was 2 weeks of bleeding and cramps I went to my OB .

I remember telling him about my heavy period and mentioned that I had a cyst before , so he wanted to check that everything was ok . 

I was watching the Monitor when he zoomed in a little round bubble and said U are Pregnant but there is no Heartbeat and with the heavy bleeding , it doesn't look good .

I was stunned , I didn't knew I was pregnant and it was already over ? Telling my Husband was hard , we keeped telling each other that it will be different next time . 

Next time I found out on his Birthday , 2 positive tests , my Beta rising , this was it ! 

Then I started bleeding , rushed to the hospital for an U/S , no HB at 7 weeks but I couldn't give up on my Baby . I beg them to let me wait longer before deciding anything , 2 weeks with blood tests every other day , U/S which showed no HB .

After the 2 weeks my Body started absorbing my Baby  , I still had to have a D&C to remove the rest of the Placenta . 

I went in pregnant and left with feeling empty , crying myself to sleep for a long time . I lost hope .

Then I fell  pregnant again , Twins , one of them died around 6 weeks . The other had a Heartbeat but I didn't want to bond with this little life in me . I was too scared that it would end like the others , I had a lot of U/S in the first 12 weeks . Constant checking for the HB & Growth , orders to stay of my feet as much as possible , no sport , sex or lifting anything .

The Baby made it , my healthy Boy , I did bond with him after a while , opened my heart to my Rainbow Baby , my Miracle .

And then there was another Miracle my little Girl , I got pregnant again . At the first U/S I heard her heart beating away , the best sound in the world to me .

I still think about my Angels , I even talk about them to some People , most don't understand . Why am I sad ? It was so long ago , I have Children now , why dwell on the past ? 

For me it's not the past , it's a part of me and will always be there .

Why did I choose to tell my story ? Because there are so many Women out there who lost their Child and feel alone .
There is this quote : I can't make it better but I can make it less lonely